Author: Erica Hyatt, LMFT-Associate
The holidays are a joyous time, full of love and laughter, family gatherings, and traditions. Right? As I type these words, I’m reminded of a true crime documentary. “Everything was perfect, all was right with the world… or was it?”
This joyous time of year can sometimes feel far different from what is portrayed in the movies. Financial strain, family conflict, a full calendar, and the desire for perfection can leave us feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. The good news, there are ways to make the holidays more enjoyable and less stressful.
Here are some tips to keep in mind as we enter the holiday season:
Tip 1: Remember that perfection is not reality.
I remember taking our boys to Santa’s Wonderful in College Station, Tx when they were young. We set out for a 3-hour road trip with friends in their brand-new SUV, 4 small children and 4 adults excited to go see the amazing Christmas lights. I had our three boys in their matching Christmas sweaters, my camera was ready to go. We would take some amazing family pictures. This was going to be perfect! We were about an hour from our destination, singing Christmas songs and enjoying the time with friends and family, when our son said his stomach was hurting.
I looked at him just as he was leaning over and, well, his Christmas sweater was no longer freshly clean. There was no saving that sweater. I kept a brave face as I cleaned up the mess, apologizing profusely to our friends, but my heart was breaking. The family picture was now ruined, and the day was a bust. Let’s just stick a fork in it and go home.
But we chose to keep going. We were already so close and had prepaid for our tickets. No turning back now! Fast forward to a few hours later, our son felt much better after getting out of that hot sweater and into a Christmas t-shirt we found at a Dollar Store along the route, and we had an amazing time together. And guess what? We took some amazing pictures that I will cherish forever. Our boys still talk about that trip and how much fun they had. And our friends still laugh about our little adventure on the drive down.
Perfection is not reality. While we may do everything right, planning and preparing for the “perfect” Hallmark movie holiday, life has a way of bringing us back to reality. Realistic expectations are key. Make a plan but expect the unexpected to happen. This shift in expectation can allow you to enjoy the moment, be more present, and give yourself and everyone else some grace.
Tip 2: Maintain personal boundaries.
We all have that family member (or maybe a few) who we prefer to love from a distance. But the holidays often require less than desirable interactions at family gatherings. But how do we avoid this un-comfortability? Do we simply refuse to attend the gatherings and miss out on quality time spent with family? Do we attend the gatherings and engage in arguments that make everyone else uncomfortable? No and no. I encourage you to instead maintain healthy personal boundaries.
If you feel the conversation moving into uncomfortable territory, abort! There are ways you can lovingly and respectfully disagree without compromising your dignity. Saying things like, “I love you, and I know this is something you are passionate about, but I’m not going to talk about politics today.” And if they continue the conversation, you can step away from it. While you can’t control their words or their behaviors, you can control your reactions.
Make the conscious decision to not engage. Model these healthy boundaries for other family members who may not have the same level of self-control, and everyone might just enjoy the holidays a bit more. That may be the best gift you can give your family this holiday season!
Tip 3: Stick to a budget.
I would like to say that money is not a factor in the holidays, but as in tip 1, we tend to push ourselves beyond our means this time of year. The food, the gifts, the traveling to see family, all can put a major strain on our budget. I remember one year we were struggling financially, barely making ends meet, and my husband literally sold a vehicle to pay for Christmas presents. He got half of what he would have wanted to get for the car, but we were able to put presents under our tree for our boys.
Looking back on that Christmas, I realize our boys do not remember what presents they opened on Christmas morning, and I honestly do not either. If I could rewind time, when my husband approached me with the idea of selling the car to pay for Christmas, I would say, “Absolutely not.” We would have made due with what we had, and enjoyed family time together rather than stressing so much about the finances and how much we could afford to buy.
I recognize that this is easier said than done. But I can promise you that quality time spent together is worth far more than any gifts under your tree. Again, give yourself some grace and do what you can. Overextending yourself, adding that strain to your mental and physical health, is not benefitting the children as they can sense that discomfort and tension. Instead, model for your children the value of time spent together and the true meaning of the holiday, no matter what you celebrate.
I hope these tips help you as you embark on your holiday season, and all that comes with it. If you need some extra help, maybe you are feeling more stressed than usual or you experienced an extra hard year and would like to talk to someone, please go to redefinetoday.com and schedule your consultation visit. We are here to help!